Well, we have had our first major drama issue this weekend and I hope we did OK. Our little Heather's heart was broken by Jacob, her boyfriend of 2 1/2 months. (This is Heather's 3rd boyfriend, but this was the first boy she ever talked to outside of school -- they did not go on dates or see one another outside of school but were on the phone & Facebook pretty often). Until this happened, we did not understand parents who got too involved in their kids' lives and we really, really did not understand parents involved in cyber-bullying. We may have crossed the line into being too involved, but we did try to make this a good time to talk about cyber-bullying.
The story unfolded as follows, Heather and Jacob were dating happily, no signs of problems as far as Heather knew until Friday morning. (This was the ice storm day when school was cancelled). Heather gets a text from Jacob that morning that says he doesn't think it's working out anymore. We think he is a little punk for breaking up with her by text message and for doing it at the start of a 3 day weekend because he won't have to talk to her or explain anything for 3 days. Heather is at her mom's that weekend so Paul and I can mainly communicate with her via text messaging and FaceBook. Her wall on FaceBook is full of the kind of stuff you would expect from a slightly dramatic girl experiencing her first heartbreak. Paul and I were quite worried about her all weekend and more often than not, she was our topic of conversation. Paul sent her a text jokingly offering to arrest the boy for breaking her heart and we "liked" a comment on FaceBook by her older brother that also jokingly said he was going to "beat Jacob's butt". Just to be on the safe side (or the dorky side, whichever) I sent Heather a FaceBook message saying that while I am not supportive of violence, I did think Kevin's (Heather's older brother) post was funny and it was awesome that he was feeling protective of his little sister.
The next morning, Jacob apparently called her, apologized and asked her to go out with him again. Heather told him to wait until Sunday night and then she would let him know. She says that she blocked him from viewing all of her very sad posts from FaceBook; hopefully she did. All day Saturday and Sunday she wrestled with decision. Some of her friends were picking on her a lot for even considering it but she was sad and wanted things to be how they were. Paul talked to her and told her it was her decision but to remember that if she was too easy on him, he would do it again. Sunday night, she told Jacob that she would go out with him again. A few of her friends made fun of her on her wall. I was a bit worried for her on Monday, I was afraid she was going to have a rough day.
Monday she came home from school and barely made it through the door before she was in tears. Jacob ignored her all day at school. We tried to make her feel better, we talked about how learning to date is hard for everyone and gave her our suggestions for how to deal with these things next time. She was trying to decide if she was going to break up with him while she did her homework and chores and by the time she made the decision that it was best to let the relationship go, she got ANOTHER text from this boy saying that he was in love with some other girl. We took advantage of this opportunity to talk about healthy relationships. We told her that relationships come and go and we would never be upset with anyone for simply breaking up with her. If your feelings change, you have to upfront and honest with people. We also told her that if she ever wanted to break up with someone, that was OK too. However, we told her that the right way to do it, is to talk about it in person and do it nicely and respectfully. We did not approve of Jacob taking the cowardly way out and that was why we were upset with him. Obviously, Heather was hurt and started to write "loser" on his wall, but we encouraged her not to, saying that while we don't like the boy for how he treated her, it's not nice to name call. We strongly suggested she "unfriend" him on FaceBook which she did not seem to want to do but when she finally decided to, she seemed instantly happier. She was still pretty upset, so to make her feel better, Paul found a picture of a horse's behind and told her she could post that on her wall and just ask who that could be. She did not name any names and she could not tag him in the photo because she wasn't his friend anymore. She lit up after that and was in a great mood the rest of the evening. I hope that we made her feel a little empowered and helped her to know that she didn't just have to take other people's crap. At some point, one of her friends who is also friends with Jacob, tagged him in the photo and I guess Jacob untagged himself. Heather put on FaceBook that they should tag him again and Paul asked her to take that comment off. He reminded her that he was a person with feelings and if he didn't want it on his wall, he shouldn't have to have it there. She quickly deleted her comment.
This morning before she went to school, I reminded her that the only reason we were OK with the picture is because he was pretty mean to her. I reminded her again, that she is not to call him names on FaceBook or at school because that could be considered bullying. She seemed to get it and I am hoping that she refrains from being ugly to him at school today. It is so tempting when someone has hurt you to be cruel, but she is such a smart kid that I think she'll do the right thing.
I don't think that we will get as involved in her future relationships but it is hard to know where the line is. We want to use these opportunities to teach her and if we aren't involved, we won't be able to. We want her to know that we love and support her no matter what she does, but that we do want the best for her. So, how does a parent know how much to be involved? I don't know. I do hope this boy Jacob has learned to treat girls with a little more respect and I hope Heather has learned that she isn't a doormat and doesn't have to just take whatever is dished out to her. I'm sure he is a nice kid or else Heather wouldn't have liked him in the first place.
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Wow! Is this what I have to look forward to? I think you handled it well, like any other parent would have that cares about their kid. Teaching teens about relationships is so hard because they feel like their parents don't understand! Fortunately, for you and Paul, Heather listened to your advice and hopefully she learned a thing or two about relationships. Unfortunately, we all have to get hurt (sometimes many times) in order to learn what a healthy relationship is like.
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