Being a Parent

I am writing today because I am troubled and unsure. I need to organize my thoughts and generally writing helps. It is my plan to one day have these blogs put into a book and give each of the kids a copy. I purposely write down the good and the bad -- I want to my kids to know that I am not a perfect parent nor are they perfect children. I want them to know that I love them all dearly and that I try to do the best I can with the knowledge I have now but still, there are days when I feel like a complete failure. My kids have done more to push me towards God than any other situation in my life.

The thing that I want most for the three of them is to have a relationship with God. If they have that, then eventually, everything else I value will fall into place. I value honesty, love, joy, peace, perseverence, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. I want my home to be full of the fruits of the spirit and I want my children to fully experience them. Yet, so often, I fall hopelessly short and wonder how I can teach my children the importance of these things when I am ill-tempered, curt and wishing to be anywhere but here. I want to be the type of mom who is understanding, forgiving, loving and especially gentle. I can't even begin to write how many times I fail. The kids push me past the limits of my patience, past my knowledge, past my ability to control myself. I feel like each new morning means another day on a taffy puller while God stretches me a little more here to push me to have just a little more patience and the next day He pushed me a little more there so I can work on gentleness. Some days, like today, I feel like He has pushed me too far. I am completely at a loss; I have no idea. If you know me at all, you know how much I hate not knowing what to do. I have prayed over and over again that God be in control and to just let Him take over but 5 minutes pass and I'm right back to worrying again.

I guess I should explain. Heather just lies and lies and lies. She has struggled with this off and on as a kid, which I think is pretty normal. We have always told her that she will get in more trouble for lying than telling than truth. We have always told her that there is nothing she can ever do that will make us not love her. This year, the lying has jumped up a few notches, we can't go more than a few days without her lying to her father or me. Sometimes, I think she tells so many lies she can't even remember the truth anymore. She lied to me yesterday about 2 completely benign things and then put the truth on her FaceBook page. We were very informally chit-chatting about school and what is going on in her life. Had she told me the truth, it wouldn't have changed our conversation at all. I think this bout of lying has hit me harder than all the other times. I do not approve, but at least I understand when she lies to not get in trouble. But to lie just to lie and then post statements to the contrary on FaceBook? I feel like she slapped me in the face! She knows we read her FaceBook page, both her father and I are her friends on FaceBook.

I HATE getting on to her, I HATE punishing her and I HATE it when she is disappointed. I know that she is angry at me, even though I am not the one who lied. She has lied so much that we just don't trust her anymore. Paul took away her cell phone indefinitely last night; it was the last straw for us. We are so sick of not being able to believe a word that comes out of her mouth. I told her she couldn't go to the YMCA alone anymore because I just didn't trust her to do what she says she is going to do. It's a sickening, horrible feeling to not be able to trust your child. I keep wondering what we did wrong? How did we raise a kid who lies and lies and lies when Paul and I HATE lying more than any other thing in the world? We don't lie, why does she?

Why am I so plagued with guilt? I feel awful, like I have wronged and dissappointed her. I took her to get donuts for her class party today and bought her a soda to alleviate my guilt a little. But, what have I done wrong? Where are these feelings of guilt coming from? Why does punishing her make me feel so bad? I love her so much, I don't want her to be a liar. I know it is my job as a parent to help her understand this. I don't know how to help her see this. I don't know how to get her to stop lying. I wish I knew why she lied so much. And, I am back to square one, praying that God will take over this situation. I know God is trying to teach me something but I haven't quite figured it out yet. I want to help her through this, I want to be supportive and loving and see her through to the day when she values truthfulness. I just don't know how yet. I keep praying that I will be the step-mom she needs me to be.

In all fairness, the boys push me too. Caleb has forced me to learn about self-control and gentlenss. He pushes and pushes and pushes until I feel I am going to explode! It breaks my heart that he has learned and internalized my short-temper and has one himself. I am now having to learn to keep myself calm so I can teach him to be calm. I am now sending myself to my room when I lose my temper so I can model appropriate behavior to him. It's been really, really hard to change such an integral part of myself but I keep going because I love him so much and I don't want him to have a short fuse. I am learning to not let my anger control me and to dig deep to find some form of gentleness to approach him with. When I am able to do this, it works so much better with him. He needs me to do this for him and I keep pushing myself for him.

Zachary teaches me peace and perseverance. He loves to sit on the couch with me and cuddle. I have a hard time making time to do this but when I do, it's relaxing and fills me with tranquility. When I sit between Caleb and Zachary while they watch a show I find myself thinking how nice it is to be still and just love on them. Zachary is also a monkey-child and loves to destroy everything. He pulls books off the bookshelves and rips them up, he loves to dump boxes of things on the floor, he literally hangs from our light fixtures, he jumps on all the furniture, he sticks things in the toaster, he is curious about EVERYTHING! But his way of learning about things is to take them apart and destroy them. There are times when I just go in the other room and hide because I don't have anything left to give. As a responsible parent, I should not do this. I need to put him in time out every single time he does these things. I need to have him help me clean up the mess every single time. I don't, because he wears me down. I am working on this because it is what he needs me to do. He will never learn not to destroy things if I don't teach him. I have to dig deep within myself and find the willpower to keep going and keep trying even if I want to run away and hide for just a few minutes.

I want to be all that they need me to be. I want to be wise and provide them the guidance they need. I want to be gentle and cover them in love. I want to be joyful so that they learn to be happy regardless of life's circumstances. I want to be strong so I can teach them to persevere through life's difficulties.

I am not writing this for reassurance. I know that I am not the most horrible parent out there. I am writing this to help me work out my thoughts and to let my adult children know how much I struggled with the choices I made regarding them. When my children become parents, I want them to know that it's OK to not have all the answers. It's OK to mess up, because they will too. Their children, my sweet future grandchildren whom I can't wait to meet when the time is right, will push them too. My kids are forcing me to become a better person and I am so thankful for them. Even through this difficult time with Heather, I know that God is going to do something, I just don't know what it is yet. I love my kiddos and know that they will grow up to be good people. I am so proud of all 3 of them, even when they are struggling with their own issues.

The Week of Spring Break!

The boys did, in fact, have school this last week. So, it wasn't really Spring Break for them. We started the Spring Break weekend with a visit from Grandpa and Grandmom. They are not able to come for Zachary's birthday party on March 26th because they will be in Germany. Heather very graciously allowed them to sleep in her room and even cleaned her room and her bathroom so they would be comfortable (with a minimum of complaining, much less than I would have at her age). I am so thankful to have such a great helper! Grandpa and Grandmom brought Zachary a frisbee for his birthday and took him to play Frisbee Golf. The boys LOVE to go outside and had a wonderful time playing.

Heather was out for Spring Break, but was at her mom's this year. The Saturday that officially started Spring Break week, her silly boyfriend broke up with her for the THIRD time. So far, they are still broken up. Just as before, there was a lot of drama and FaceBook postings like "when you truly love someone the feelings never go away", "why do I feel like I am the one who screwed up" , "went in my mama's room crying for what seemed like forever and cried my eyes out", "There aren't any positives in life", and lots of stuff like that. Girls are so emotional!!! I really hope she doesn't take him back again. She is too smart, too beautiful and too special to let some crazy weirdo make her feel that way. On Thursday, she went with her siblings, one of her cousins and her grandmother to the Space Center. Sunday, she and her mom went to see Jason Aldean at the rodeo with tickets that we got for them because Heather wanted to see him SO BADLY! She has been so excited about going and I can't wait to hear how it went. This is a picture she posted of herself this week. It's not my favorite picture at all, apparently she thinks she looks like a "gangsta" as that is what she titled it. Teenagers! Of course I told her I think she looks quite silly but I also told her that I used to wear Z Cavaricci's that my dad called "parachute pants" and that Jansen used to wear these crazy, colorful shorts he called "clown pants". Looking silly while you think you look totally awesome is just part of growing up!

On Monday, Kamie, Emma, James, the boys and I went to the Blue Bell Creamery in Brenham. It was pretty crowded and the weather unexpectedly turned cold but we still had a wonderful time. The kids were all super well behaved throughout the tour. We had planned to have a picnic lunch outside, but it rained early in the morning so the ground was wet and none of us were prepared for the cold -- so we had a car picnic! I think the kids enjoyed it even more because it was something new. The boys both wore their hats on the tour, though Zachary doesn't seem to have his hat on in any of the pictures I took. At the end, Caleb got his usual vanilla ice cream and Zachary got Cake & Ice Cream -- both boys really enjoyed eating dessert before lunch (as Caleb kept saying).

St. Patrick's Day fell on a Thursday this year and the boys celebrated at school with a treasure hunt for gold. Caleb's class made cute little Leprechaun hats (there is a picture below). In Caleb's class, Caleb was apparently the first one to find the gold so his teacher, Ms. Mercedes, asked him what he wished for. She was expecting him to say candy or a cookie or something like that. Not my Caleb, you can't ask him open-ended questions! Caleb wished he didn't have to take a nap and everyone in his class thought that was a great idea! His entire class refused to nap on Thursday and poor Ms. Mercedes was a little frazzled looking when I went to pick up Caleb. She has said on more than one occasion that Caleb shows great leadership skills, though they don't always present themselves in the most positive way! :)

My crazy boys LOVE bath time and being naked. As soon as the clothes come off, the giggling begins. After they have finished soaking the bathroom floor and wall (Paul says the bathtub is going to fall onto the first floor if the boys don't learn to keep the water in the bath) they run, screaming and laughing all through the upstairs. They often try to hide from us so they don't have to get dressed. Zachary thought he was hiding behind the Bat Cave here, but we can see him pretty easily! He is so happy!

Paul had to go out of town for a few days this week to Brownsville, TX for work and by the time he came back Friday afternoon, I was ready for a break! Grandma Becky was kind enough to keep the boys overnight and I went to my friend Tracy's house where Amy taught us to do henna! Amy is the one who is going to come to Heather's slumber party and do henna on the girls. I had a wonderful time and really enjoyed the break. This is my first henna tattoo to give someone, Amy bravely volunteered her hand. Amy took this photo the next morning, after she removed the henna paste. The second photo is the henna tattoo Amy gave me on my foot. I also have a henna "bracelet" tattoo on my wrist. I love henna, it lets us be creative and have fun but it's not permanent.

On Saturday afternoon, Paul and I were going crazy from being inside with the boys. We took them to the park for a while to play and burn some energy and decided we needed to spend most of the day outside to save our sanity. The boys are happiest and better behaved outside. So, on Sunday morning, we packed a picnic lunch, plenty of water and headed to Huntsville State Park. We walked 6.8 miles on the Chinquapin Trail. Zachary rode in the backpack but Caleb walked!! We were so proud of him, only during the last mile did he show signs of wearing down. He really didn't complain much at all and he loved being outside. It was also good practice for Paul and my trip to Yellowstone in June as we both walked carrying loads on our backs (though my load was much lighter). We decided we need to do more hikes to help us prepare as both of our shoulders were very sore by the end of the hike. Plus, the boys loved it! Even after we got home, the boys were very good yesterday. They really need to go outside and do things.

Class Pictures, Easter Crafts and D-Now Weekend

The boys go to Preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9 AM - 2 PM. This opportunity has been wonderful for both them and me. They love going to school and they learn so much there! In the fall, Zachary's class was very full and they had 2 teachers. Most of the kids in his class moved up to the 2 year old room at Christmas and now Zachary's class has only 3 kids. It has been so nice for him to have so few children in there. His language skills are really improving. The little girl in his class, Malaya, is Caleb's teacher's daughter. Caleb's class is fuller and his best friend is Aden. Aden is the boy sitting next to him in the camoflage shirt. Ms. Mercedes often tells me that all the little girls in his class fight over sitting next to him. The week they were learning the letter "M" Caleb brought his magic hat to school. When I went to pick him up, he was surrounded by all the little girls in his class who were smiling adoringly at him while he taught them magic tricks. The two girls I see sticking to him the most are Emerson (in the blue striped shirt) and Adeline (in the pink, purple and white stripes) Some weeks, Caleb has homework where he has to put items starting with the letter they are learning in a bag. For example, last week they had to do a "P" bag and he brough a toy pirate, a stuffed Panda bear and a purple marker. He has to stand in front of his class and tell them what he brought. This week, they had a different type of homework. They were learning about Community Helpers like police officers, paramedics, doctors, veterinarians, fire men, etc. Their homework was to write "Community Helpers" on the page, write their name and have at least one picture they cut out of a community helper.
We originally wanted to take a picture of Daddy in his police officer's uniform but weren't sure if we were going to be able to because Paul had to work late. I ended up taking this picture of a very tired Paul after the boys went to bed and we just put it on the back. Last week, our friends Kamie, Emma and James came over to make Easter crafts and play outside. The older kids painted sun catchers and the younger ones colored egg shaped picture frames. We have really been enjoying the nice weather! We don't get many nice days in Houston so we take full advantage. The kids have been having a ball playing in the backyard and horsing around with Julie. In this picture, Zachary is getting a sloppy doggie kiss.

Caleb and Julie were having so much fun playing fetch with this plastic toy.
Today we went to the park on Telge and met my friend Tracy and her 3 boys. This is Caleb & Zachary playing on the playground there.Last week, I finally took Heather shopping to use her gift cards she got at Christmas! Yes, that was really overdue. Anway, she got some t-shirts and shorts and this super-cute top! I was so happy she picked out one girly top.

Last weekend Heather went to D-Now weekend at our church, The Met. She had a very good time and apparently she even harrassed the pastor. They played a game called The Amazing Race and you got points for everything you completed on the list in a given time frame. One of the highest point items was getting Pastor Sal's autograph. One of the girls in Heather's group knows his daughter so they found out that he was at his home and the address to his house from Pastor Sal's daughter. At about 9 AM on Saturday morning, 10 giggling 8th grade girls knocked on his girl and asked for his autograph. Pastor Sal had no idea they were coming and apparently after the girls left, he put a lot of signed pieces of paper on his front step so any other kids wouldn't pester him. Some of the other things the kids had to do were jump in a pool to get $2.68 worth of change, make a 5 foot chain out of paper clips, decode a morse code Bible verse, chug 1 gallon of milk, complete a puzzle, run with a balloon under your chin, make a human pyramid, pump a stranger's gas at the gas station and fit 10 people in the same tree. She had a blast! I am really glad she enjoyed it so much. This is a picture of her group at D-Now.

Catch Up, Camping and Other Adventures

Not surprisingly, I am behind again. I have lots and lots of photos below and many of them are just in the order I uploaded them! So, please bear with me because they are not in chronological order. The first set of photos is from Kristi's baby shower. Kristi, my lifelong friend, will be giving birth to Sydney Klodzinski in the first week of March! I am so excited for her! Alicia, our 3rd Muskateer was sick with the flu, but still provided a delicious punch recipe, a fruit tray with yummy fruit dip and the cutest little tutu and bow for Sydney! We missed her, but were all happy that she didn't share her flu germs with us. This was the first shower I have ever hosted, so I was a little nervous, but I think it turned out well. Heather was invaluable, she helped me pick out games and decorations, she helped clean the house and make the food. I am so happy I had so much help! This first picture is of Kristi and me. Kristi and her mom, Geneva Nicholas

Kristi and the cake (it was really good!)

Heather, my mom and me

Heather getting some punch

The next set of photos are from Caleb and Paul's camping trip! I am not sure exactly how to describe all the emotions this trip brings up for me. Caleb was so excited it was contagious. For weeks, he would ask us how much longer until he got to go camping, would talk about what he and Daddy were going to do when they got there, ask if they could "___" when they went. The night before they were going to leave, he was so excited that he asked if he could go to bed early so he could make it hurry and be morning. Seeing my little guy this excited made me excited for him! I am so happy that he got to spend a weekend with his Daddy and that he looked forward to it so much! As adults, it's hard to get too excited about anything. New purchases come with bills and new responsibilities, vacations mean lots of preparation, extra expenses, packing, unpacking, laundry, stresses of unfamiliar situations, etc. Adulthood just doesn't afford many opportunities to experience unbridled joy without any anxiety. Watching Caleb be so excited with his only worries being that Daddy would sleep in the tent with him and that he could take Yellow Puppy (his favorite stuffed animal) was all he needed to know to feel secure. Wouldn't it be wonderful to experience that kind of happiness again? His joy made me joyful, he has such an unbridled, unhibited zest for life. Every emotion that he feels, he feels to the utmost of his being. There are times when this is very stressful for Paul and me, when Caleb is angry or upset, his emotions are difficult to deal with. After years of not knowing what to do, I think we are finally realizing that we cannot control Caleb's actions or emotions, the best we can do is model anger control and try to calmly talk him through his not-so-pleasant emotional outbursts. I am starting to see myself as more of a guide than a law maker because there is no controlling him. He just fights back harder and I've started seeing him in a whole new way that just about breaks my heart. When he is in trouble and sitting on his bed, I just recently have started going up there to talk to him while he is still angry (I used to wait until he had time to calm down) and my little guy is so angry that he is shaking and crying. I used to think he was defiant and I needed to "break his will". Now I think this was the most horrible, awful approach to such a pure little spirit. When I am able to be calm and talk quietly, empathize with him and kindly explain a better course of action in the future, he just begs for hugs and kisses and tells me he is sorry. When I yell, reprimand and try to "make" him do something, he responds like a wounded animal, he just lashes out. As a parent, I want to teach by example, to be willing to love and forgive, to be approachable and not be so quick to condemn. I remember when we had the boys Dedicated at church, Pastor Sal told the parents that we were going to make mistakes as parents, but when we erred, to err on the side of grace. At the time, I just accepted that as that I was already being a kind parent because I don't dole out painful punishments. Now, I think that words and harsh actions can be just as harmful, if not more so, to a child. I went off on a long tangent here, but my Caleb has pushed me and taught me new lessons in life. I still struggle with how best to parent him, but for now, I think we are on the right track. I suspect that all 3 of my kids will teach me as much as I teach them. I hope that when they look back on their childhood they remember a mom who was quick to praise, hug and forgive and not a condeming woman with steam blowing out of her ears who ran around shouting orders and doling out punishments.

Back to Caleb and his uninhibited approach to life and his exceptional joy at a weekend camping trip with his Daddy; they had a very good time. The first day they put up the tent, ate lunch, played on the playground, went riding in paddle boats, fished, played some more on the playground, roasted marshmallows and hotdogs for dinner!

This is them before they left the house

Caleb standing in front of the tent

Caleb eating lunch, I am sure you will notice his a bottle of his beloved root beer next to him.
Playing at the playground

In this picture, Caleb is swinging. I was actually talking to Paul while he was pushing Caleb on the swings. Paul pushed him much higher than I usually push him and at first Caleb was screaming in fear. Paul consoled him a bit and Caleb started sounding a little happier but hestitant. When he decided that it was safe and he wasn't going to fall out, he started screaming again but this time just out of happiness and enjoying the moment.

The paddle boats


Before they left, Caleb was watching a show on TV where a boy was climbing a tree and he looked at me and said "Mommy, you never let me climb trees". I was not sure where that came from because there are no trees around us that lend themselves to climbing. He seems to be enjoying climbing this tree anyway!

Roasting hot dogs for dinner (of course, since I bought their supplies, this is an Organic Turkey hot dog with no nitrates or nitrites! HA HA)

Saturday morning, Caleb woke up ready to go fishing! So, they headed out with poles and tackle.
This picture is so sad, it makes me want to cry just looking at it. Apparently Caleb was hopping on the rocks, slipped and got soaked. Paul said he was upset because he thought it meant they couldn't fish anymore.

They got him some dry pants and shoes and went back out fishing again. My little guy caught 3 fish! This is the first one
the second one

and if you look to the left above his head, you will see the third one.


Paul said he made him touch them before throwing them back but Caleb wasn't very excited about touching "gross" fish. Paul said the only thing that got him to touch them was that Paul said he could tell me about it and that I would think it was yucky. I do think it was yucky and I don't know why he had to touch them but I am just going to accept it as a guy thing. That night they roasted hot dogs and marshmallows again and got up early the next morning. They were home about 10:30 AM and after unloading and showering, we all had a nice lunch at Jason's Deli. I was very happy to see my guys!

What was I doing while they were gone? Getting henna tattoos, of course! Zachary spent some time with Becky (Paul's mom) while I had some friends over. We had lots of yummy snacks (including the delicious brownies I made below), chatted and my friend, Amy, gave us all beautiful henna tattoos. Henna is a made from crushed up leaves and scented oils and it makes this deep reddish brown temporary stain on your skin. It's perfectly safe and it lasts 1-3 weeks. I have one on my hand and my foot.

On my birthday, the kids and I went to the Olive Garden. We had a nice time and the kids were pretty good.

Caleb smiling at me
Who needs forks when your hands work better?

Zachary playing "peek-a-boo" by putting his napkin on his head

Caleb and me

Heather and Zachy

The boys and I made German Chocolate cupcakes for my birthday. They are so good! They may not be beautiful, but they are super tasty.

On Tuesday, I went to lunch with my friend Jessica and her new baby, JT. He is 7 weeks old in this picture but he was born 6 weeks early, so he should be 1 week old. Jessica looks awesome and is really enjoying motherhood. Little JT is 8 pounds and adorable!

A few weekends ago, April & James came into town to visit Becky & Doug and they invited us to eat out with them. We went to Kenny & Ziggy's. It was really expensive but the portions were massive. Zachary spent most of the meal trying to ruin Becky's food & drinks. He thought her drink needed whole sugar packets dipped in it, his fingers were required to increase the flavor of everything she had and was especially fascinated with her au jus sauce. Caleb is learning to write in school and I was lucky enough to get a picture of him working on his letters. He is doing so well!

Zachary has become fascinated with the toaster lately and keeps sticking items in there when we aren't looking. The night before this picture was taken, I had cleaned many miscellaneous items out of the toaster. The next morning I was making the kids some frozen waffles and didn't think to look in there because I had just emptied it and didn't think Zachary had time to put anything new in there. Below is a picture of what happens to a pen when you "toast" it.

The weekend Zachary and I were alone (Paul & Caleb were camping) we went to the park and
Zachary had such a wonderful time swinging.

On Valentine's Day my mom took the boys and me out to eat breakfast at Denny's and then we went back to her house to play. The boys had a great time visiting with Grammy and especially loved the Sprite she gave them.

Lately, the boys have been fighting NON-STOP! They are pushing, shoving, hitting, kicking, taking toys away from one another and just being mean. Below was one of the rare moments where they are being loving and sweet.

I think we are finished with the cold weather, but we enjoyed it while it lasted. This next picture was taken on an especially cold day before the boys went to Pre-school. They are too cute in their hats and gloves.
One night when it was especially cold outside, we decided to make s'mores in the fireplace. Heather didn't think it was "safe" but I'm not sure how it's different from a campfire other than there are less exposed side of the fire, making it easier to keep little kids from falling in. The boys liked to burn the marshmallows and enjoyed it when they lit up with fire. However, they did not want to eat those blackened little pieces of hard sugar. We had a good time.